Koosh Balls are a great example of something that was only marketed to children after it failed on the sex toy market. I'd bet the farm on the fact that the first incarnation of the Koosh Ball was designed to stimulate a man's scrotum (ladies, don't get any ideas). I think there were even some for sale with a vibrator in the core, weren't there? "Hey honey.. you want to get kinky tonight.. with some latex?"

But really, what in the hell is a Koosh Ball? The 90s were obsessed with balls--Koosh Balls, stress balls, trackballs; they even had a toy called the Balzac, for God's sake. The Koosh Ball isn't even a ball, is it? It's about a thousand rubber tentacles glued onto a soft marble. It shouldn't even be called a ball. It doesn't bounce. You can't hit it with a bat or kick it. Let's face it: anything that came in neon/fluorescent colors (read: the color of your Troll Doll's hair) was a big hit for kids in the 90s, and Koosh Balls are a perfect example. Remember when they added "neon" colors to the Crayola color palette, and what a big deal that was?

The fact that Koosh Balls were heavily featured in Rosie O'Donnell's daytime talk show is the perfect indication of how useless and senseless they were. Was that product placement or just poor taste by the host? I suppose I'll never know. As part of her attempt to become the "Queen of Nice," she would launch Koosh Balls into the audience or at the camera when they went to commercial. She was probably single-handedly responsible for killing the fad.

Buying a "toy" that had absolutely no purpose or value was very indicative of the decade. We all shared a feeling that we had arrived due to a shared prosperity, soaring stock market, budget surpluses, and the technology boom. If we wanted to stock up on useless items like Beanie Babies and Pogs, then who was going to stop us? We all behaved like wealthy people on a much smaller scale, amassing possessions that served no purpose and had no use to us. I suppose that comparing a collection of Koosh Balls to a collection of summer homes and high-end vehicles is a bit of a stretch, isn't it?

I'm obviously having a hard time wrapping this one up, so here goes: In conclusion, Koosh Balls were stupid, but they feel good on your asshole. The end.

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Evan

Originator of The God Damn 90s. Stay at home Dad, photographer, musician. Founding member of the band earsauce. Linux user. General nerd hobbyist.

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